l relationships are an energy exchange, each connection either feeds us power or sucks it away, draining our energy.
The relationships we form have the capacity to nurture and inspire our growth, helping us to be the best version of ourselves that we can possibly be or on the flip side, toxic relationships can drag us down and block us from being the best we can be. This is not just romantic relationships, many friendships can be toxic leaving you drained of energy and cause you more stress in your life than you deserve or need.
I have experienced this a few times and what I have learnt is that when a friendship or relationship becomes toxic, the best thing to do is throw it in the garbage.
The truth is we have absolutely no power over the way others behave towards us, if someone chooses to treat us badly, we cant change them or their attitude, they are who they are. We do however have the power in how we react and accept the situation., we can choose the type of people we want to spend our energy on. Having suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I know just how precious my energy is, and I'm not wasting it on toxic people thats for sure!
This has been a very hard lesson for me over the years. I am or WAS a self-confessed people pleaser, the person who would go above and beyond for my partners and my friends. I was always so giving of myself, so much so that I often gave more to others than I did to myself, I very rarely got the same back and almost always I was the one who suffered.
I could never understand why some people whom at the time I called friends would treat me the way they did. “But why?” I would ask myself and rack my brain to try and understand what I had said or done to upset them or understand why they were treating me this way. I did not deserve this treatment, I am a good person I would try to convince myself, never truly believing it and using the experience as ‘justification' that I really am a bad person.
It wasn't until what I call my transition to the ‘new’ me and throughout my recovery journey of chronic fatigue that I learnt that some people are just toxic. Most of the time it is not personal, usually they are hurting, they are dealing with their own issues and lash out for all sorts of reasons including jealousy, resentment and insecurity.
I recently experienced a situation with a ‘friend’ where I was treated poorly and left feeling hurt, upset and that my friendship was not valued by this person. I quickly fell into old patterns of allowing the situation (which was out of my control) to upset me and drain my energy. I knew in my heart that I had done nothing to deserve such treatment and that it was wrong but I still wanted the answer to my question ‘Why are you doing this to me’
I phoned another friend, totally flabbergasted by this treatment that was so unjust and not deserved and how I was such a good friend and this isn't the first time this has happened, why is she doing this to me blah blah blah, and she said to me ‘Shaz you are in a fight with reality and when you try fight with reality, you will always lose and there will always be pain” I was like WTF you talking bout, and she explained.
The reality is, this person has integrity, she has revealed herself to you like this before, this is her personality and her character. and she is acting exactly as she always has. You knew this and you chose to continue to be in a friendship with her, this is where you are responsible. She was right and I knew it.
I recall not long before having a reconciliation conversation with this person regarding a similar incident of aggressive, rude and quite nasty behaviour, and my gut was saying to me loud and clear, this is a toxic person you need to let her go, but my overly generous and caring nature, and obvious lack of self love and respect led me to forgive her and return to the good old friend I had always been.
That was MY choice, I had put my hand back in the fire expecting not to get burnt…hashtag crazy! or as my friend politely put it ’Shaz, you know the definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting a different result don't you’ she was right again god damn it, this was my fault.
My inability to set healthy boundaries and justifying all sorts of behaviour, giving people chance after chance and putting others feelings before my own attracted the wrong type of people in my life and they had used it to their advantage and I had suffered stress and pain as a result. These types of people suck the life force out of you taking away your personal power and reduce us to the least possible version of ourselves.
It is unfortunate that more often than not the better you do in your life, toxic people will get jealous or insecure about that and try and drag you down out of fear, fear of being left behind, fear of not measuring up, fear of realising their own shortfalls. Have you ever had a backhanded compliment from a jealous ‘friend’?
Toxic people cost us, and they cost us big time. If you think that you can hold on to people who are not good for you and create a fulfilling, successful and healthy life as the best version of yourself then you are truly mistaken. Toxic people undermine our strengths and limit our potential. Until you remove the toxic people in your life you will be blocked and there will be no room for the good ones who will lift you up and give you wings.
Releasing toxic ties is not bitchy, nasty or impulsive. It is self preservation and it takes strength and courage. it requires turning on your power, owning your self worth and truly loving yourself.
What you tolerate will happen again and again, so set healthy boundaries. When someone treats you badly, say thank you for revealing yourself to me, send them love and forgiveness and press DELETE